On Grieving

I'm glad to see the month of September go. It has been one of the hardest months for me since the year after my dad died. September 9th would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. It was a mark I always dreamed of as a little girl. How differently life has turned out than I expected! Strange that although I've been divorced for seven years, it still hurts. I still have many days when I think to myself, when will it stop hurting? The truth is, that it won't stop hurting until I get to heaven.

I don't think I would have understood that a decade ago, in fact, I know I wouldn't have. Our western culture has such strange notions about grieving and loss. Once the customary couple of months are over, it is implied that it is time to start fighting the grief and move on with your life. "Make lemons out of the lemonade." Get on medication for a while until you get over the loss. Take on a hobby or new responsibilities to empower you so you will be able to take charge of your future. In truth, after the first several months you truly start to grieve. The loss becomes less surreal and more real, depression and anxiety become constant enemies, and getting out of bed seems like progress each day. To make things worse, people around you have moved on, and you often feel as if you are left to wrestle with ongoing grief alone. As odd as it is, even though there is a cultural expectation of "bouncing back," we are intuitively aware that the grief goes on. After all, who of us doesn't understand a parent who never recovers from the loss of a child? Who expects a widow to forget her husband? Who would lose an arm or a leg and not expect to always struggle with the feelings of loss and insecurity that such an amputation would create? It puzzles me then why as a people we are so unable to sustain our compassion and assistance to the brokenhearted. As a culture we don't know what to do with death and loss, especially once the funeral is over and life resumes.

From my experience, I suspect that responses are a little different to loss by death and loss by divorce. When I went through my divorce, I felt not only as if I had lost him, but as if I had died. I lost much of my sense of identity. I was no longer "his wife," and I wasn't sure what I was. Although over time I have built new experiences to draw identity from, the part of me that loved being wife, helper, lover, and best friend are still gone, and I miss them like I would miss an amputated arm or leg. Although my heart has toughened in small ways, I still have phantom pains that hit me frequently, and I find myself crying for no reason because I feel alone and rejected, and my "not-so-new life" seems overwhelming and lonely. Until you have been through a devastating loss, this ongoing grief, and the hole left in your soul are hard to understand, and sometimes hard to be compassionate toward.

I've also noticed that ongoing grieving is hard for children. Although children are very resilient, and can withstand a lot of disappointment and grief, an overwhelming loss or a series of losses can leave them wrestling with grief for years, even into their adulthood. The emotions tend to dive below the surface for a while, and the kids look fine, only to resurface later, particularly during adolescence. As much as they might try, a grieving parent is struggling through their own grief, and it is hard for them to help their children through theirs also. I can remember times after my tragedies when I was fighting to get out of bed in the morning and keep my kids fed, clothed and working on schoolwork, much less have conversations to draw out of them how they were feeling. Furthermore, I learned mostly by trial and error how to process and manage my pain; I was at a loss how to guide them through theirs.

That's not to say that ongoing grieving is a completely bad experience. Does that sound odd to say? In the last seven years, I have seen more clearly how evil, heartbreaking, devastating, and miserable our fallen world can be. I have learned to appreciate the complete wasteland that sin can make of a life, and I have come to understand that no one is guaranteed shelter from its effects. I was a "good girl." I made "good choices," was kind to other people, went to school, ate my green beans, and tried to live by my convictions. Yes, I was still with flaws and weaknesses and sins, but I followed the rules, and "life" still ran over me. Or did it? I don't believe that my losses were accidents or without purpose. In addition to the greater understanding of the evil that has corrupted the world, I am more sensitive to people who have been trampled. I'm less likely to say stupid or meaningless things to them, and more likely to find ways to really comfort them. I don't minimize pain, even when it is appears that the pain someone is wrestling with is something I would gladly exchange my pain for. I've discovered that our pain is designed for us, to expose our weaknesses and draw out our strengths.

Most of all, I've come to realize I have true hope within me. Without it, the pain would have overcome me a long time ago. I would have given up trying to get out of bed, or would have been sucked into the illusion that I was "better" by burying my grief in a flurry of activity and self-help mantras. Instead, I've come to realize that the "cure" for the depth and destructiveness of sin is Jesus. I've learned that all of the things that my heart cries out for in grief are the very things He stands waiting to be for me. I've come to know Him as everything I want and need in my life, and honestly, I've come to long to be with Him in heaven even more than I want to stay on this earth. Grieving losses, like being homesick, has made me aware that I don't belong here. Instead I belong to a different place, where all that my heart cries for is available and abundant.

Within the church, we need grieving, broken people. We need to minister to them, and we need them to teach us and remind us of the lessons they are learning. If we as Christians are going to enter the devastation of a fallen, broken world, we must learn from our brokenhearted brothers and sisters how to show compassion to such needs. We need to discover how to make ourselves vulnerable to the hurting, how to enter into their hurt in a way that compromises our own hearts and shares the pain. We need to know how to communicate hope in a winsome way that neither belittles their suffering, nor presents the Gospel as a trite, easy answer or a guarantee that they will not hurt anymore. Those in our midst need us. They need us to call often and ask if they are getting out of bed. They need us to know whether they have family or other support people to remember birthdays and holidays. They need us to love and spend time with their kids, and to take on some of the burden of shepherding their children through grief. Most of all, the world around us needs to see us caring for our wounded in a radically different way than they do. If our love is demonstrated in the way we care for our weakest members, it will be hard for the world to dismiss our Savior. And He will draw us closer to him for having his heart for the wounded.

Getting My Dream Vacation

For so many years, our family vacations were to places like Disney World or Sea World. Entertaining our kids was the priority. But for about five years now, I have longed for a REAL vacation--a vacation that was as much for me as for the kids. We came close last year when the grandparents took us all to Chatanooga, and we stayed in a cabin there, but there was still touring the local sights, at a bit of a clip. There was lots of time for playing games, enjoying the mountains around us, and even watching movies together, but it was still pretty exhausting. This year, the grandparents and my sister Mary came down to us, and we vacationed at the beach. A friend let us use a beach condo, and it has truly been relaxing, and refreshing. I came with certain goals, and I must admit, I didn't fulfill them all. I really wanted to spend lots of time quiet and alone with God, but I'm having a hard time breaking out of my sinful rut of letting other things take His place. I guess I've begun to realize that time and place won't cure that. I'm just going to have to arrange my schedule to make Him first place.

But some of my goals--playing with the boys on the beach, taking a long moonlit stroll on the beach, getting up before dawn to watch the sunrise--these I've done. We have watched lots of TV together, the only thing I wish we have done less of, but it has been fun anyway. During the week while my parents and sister were here there was so much freedom for us all--Grandpa would take all the kids swimming, or Aunt Mary and I would take them down to the beach, or they'd go off with Nana and Grandpa for a while. I loved not having the plan meals or cook (Nana and Mary seem to enjoy cooking. Go figure! I was content cleaning up!) On Friday when they left to return home, the boys and I were so down, and it was hard being without them.

Yesterday, the two younger boys and I went down to the beach for the whole afternoon. We built a huge sandcastle, bathed in the ocean, buried each of the boys in the sand, and laughed and played together. It was such great fun! Today we drove down to Washington Oaks State Park and went to a rockiy shell beach. We added to our huge collection of shells, Stephen and I took photographs of the rocky beach, and we played in the water on a beach that was very different from the one we've enjoyed the week on this week. I have been amazed at how much creativity I have seen in God's creation this week--a thousand different colored shells, gentle waves, followed by rough, harsh waves, totally different skies from day to day, and so many ways to enjoy being outside in the sun and surf.

I guess I am touched that God would give me this vacation. I couldn't afford it, but God worked out the financial end. I certainly don't feel like I deserve it. I have loved it, and hate to go back to "real life," and all the decisions awaiting me there. But I feel rested and ready to work again. Hopefully all the beauty and nature around me will continue to inspire me for a while longer.

I LOVE Homeschooling!

Things I love about a new year of homeschooling:

• Snuggling together to pray and read the Bible. (OK. The teenager doesn't snuggle.)
• The boys begging for their treat bags on the first day of school.
• Eating breakfast together and TALKING!
• Realizing I just got to be irritated at the nine-year-old because I had to tell him the two billionth time to sit down and do his math test. (Instead of being irritated at some stranger for bugging me!)
• Hearing them read to me, and knowing I taught them to do that!
• Racing from downstairs to upstairs and back again to help with problems and answer questions.
• Doing my laundry and dishes while I work!
• Hearing "what's for lunch?" and "is it lunch time yet?"
• Stephen's jokes, Andrew's advice, and Josh's sarcastic comments.
• Seeing checked off assignment sheets.
• Grading math papers and realizing they've got it!
• Hearing the comment, "C.S. Lewis was an amazing writer!"
• Seeing the whole room stop to watch the cat try to steal beef jerky.
• Laughing, giggling, playing, eating, getting mad, hugging, telling jokes, learning . . . and doing it all together!
• Knowing we got through another day of school.

Hey! The Brain is Working Again!

So someone mentioned to me today that I haven't been blogging lately. Hmmm . . . I thought I was. Oh wait! Once every three months doesn't really count, does it? So I'm back (for today anyway). Actually it has been hard for me to get anything done lately. For more than a year my brain had gotten progressively foggy. I would spend every day trying to stay awake and do school. I had no energy for anything, and was sleepy all the time. Gradually, I've lost all my interest in anything that required any effort, and the house and schedule (among other things) have run down into chaos. Seriously, for at least a year now I've felt I was barely keeping it together. Struggling financially ended me up on the doorstep of our church's Mercy Ministry office, and I began to receive some counsel from the director there. One of the things she had me do was change doctors. After reviewing my history, complaints and current medications, she changed my meds, has had some new testing done, and made some other recommendations. Low and behold, just changing the meds alone has helped me find my energy, not feel like I'm going to fall over asleep all day, and I'm actually feeling like getting things done, and now I'm blogging!!! Hooray! God is moving me forward again!

So this weekend was a delightful and blessed first for me. For a long time I have felt a desire to speak publicly about homeschooling, with a special interest in encouraging single moms and parents facing impossible odds to receive God's call and homeschool even when the possiblity of doing so looks bleak. This past year I began working at our local area homeschool library, and made some connections with the people in leadership of the HERI organization. Eventually I found myself volunteering to teach a "How to Homeschool" class (which I do all the time anyway for people considering it!), and so they asked me to give the seminar at the BIG convention this weekend. So yesterday, I found myself in front of about 50 new and somewhat anxious homeschoolers, walking them through the maze of choices and decisions they would be facing in the coming months as they began their own homeschool adventure. Oddly enough, I never got nervous, never felt uneasy, and I loved it!!! I had several people share that they were encouraged (Thank you, Lord!!!), and hopefully many more were blessed with information they wanted, and encouragement they needed even more. (Sheesh, if I can homeschool, almost ANYONE can!) Best of all . . . I unexpectedly got a $$$ thank you from HERI! (But of course, I spent it at the Convention.)

Even more unexpectedly, I asked some questions and got a lead on an area of curriculum development in which there is NOTHING. It's something I've already started writing and teaching, so I just have to dedicate time to developing it further and have to do some research to find out about the process of preparing curriculum for publishing and getting it published. Who knows, perhaps by next summer I'll be teaching a Vendor class!! Cool, huh? All this challenge to consider writing curriculum at a time when I'm getting a little desperate for some paying work has stimulated my desire to write at all, so I'm taking a look at some other projects I had started and will be forging ahead on some of them as well. Of course, by the time some of you read this, my ADD will be in full-force, and I will have forgotten my drive to write and will be back in my rut and not blogging again. But one can hope that won't happen, right?

So now I'm off to bounce from project to project. Wow. I really need a writing schedule and some goals, don't I?

A Special Twelve Years!

My dearest Stephen,

Have you noticed that lots of great things come in 12's? Eggs come by the dozen. Twelve inches makes a whole foot! There were twelve tribes in Israel, and twelve disciples, so the number twelve was important to God too! This year marked a dozen years I've had with you. Wow! As always, money was tight this time of year--it always is with the end of the school year and beginning to prepare for the next year. Of course, a major difference this year was that we didn't go to the homeschool conference on Memorial Day weekend, so we were home to celebrate your birthday. Only . . . I didn't have any money. It was hard to watch you so excited, when I knew I wouldn't be able to do anything until the day OF your birthday. I couldn't prepare ahead . . . no presents, no cake, no decorations. Even the planning lacked a little as I have struggled to get through the end of the school year, complicated even more by all the events in your brother's year at the Academy. So there I sat on Friday morning after dropping your brother at school. I was trying to figure out how to redeem the day and make you feel as celebrated as my heart feels when I think of how much I love being your mom and having you as my son.

Then it came to me! The idea I proposed to you was quickly negotiated and embraced, and you told me all day long how much you loved it! We went on a shopping spree. I could laugh when I even call it that, since you wanted so little. The first thing we got was a big gift bag to fill up, only there were so few things you wanted, we could have done with a much smaller bag. First we hit Starbuck's and the grocery store to get coffee and donuts, then we went to several stores to find the things you wanted. We headed home for a little while for lunch and so AJ could have his tutoring done. Then we picked Josh up from school and wisked away to watch "Night at the Museum 2." Afterward we went to Cici's for pizza, then home to enjoy playing with your new games and shows. It was a simple day, but you genuinely loved it, which says volumes about who you are. You love simplicity . . . love being home and with family or alone.

The day after your birthday I took you out just the two of us, to a movie ("Wolverine") and to dinner. The day after that we celebrated with a big family party with us and the Borkos, just lots of noise and activity and fun! Matthias spent the night, and then you were completely satisfied with your special day(s). It is easy to see in this what I have long known about you--you are content to have a few very close relationships, and don't really need many of them. You like the "social scene" and have enjoyed the activity and excitement of being with the youth at church, but your preference is to just enjoy the people you love being around.

You've grown so much this year, in size (you now top the scale at over a hundred pounds!) and in skills. Your art work has come such a long way, and you love to spend hours drawing cartoons. You love all things boy! You giggle at explosions (go figure!), and love action movies more than anything. But you are quite the ham, and LOVE LOVE comedy of all sorts--from sitcoms to Garfield cartoons to blonde jokes. You are always cracking me up with some hilarious observation and comment, or with a new cartoon that reflects your ability to get inside the heads of those who draw your favorite comics.

Stephen, I love being your mom so much. You are so full of surprises. You are sensitive, and when I get down, you look for some way to help or encourage, even if it's just in holding my hand. In spite of your insistence, I dread the day that some cute girl takes away my snuggle bug, and I love all the affection you give me still. But I also love the ways you are changing--new conversations we get to have, new kinds of movies we can watch, and lots of new humor.

Happy birthday my dear boy! You are a delight and a joy!

Picking Up the Pen . . . er . . . keyboard.

For some time now I have been fighting conviction. Not that I don't always fight it in some form or another, but I've been convicted on how much time I spend on unproductive distractions that don't really satisfy me. In fact, they stir up appetites and cravings that are insatiable, causing me to lose sleep, waste precious time, and end up with nothing but deficits (in time, money, and production). Tonight I discovered a wonderful blog called Permanent Things. I found it as I was searching for some new ideas of how to handle literature studies with the boys. But what I discovered there was the kind of peek into the life of a kindred spirit that whet my desire to write again about my own experiences. So here I am! Back from a long hiatus, and determined to write more. I have so many thoughts and ideas floating around my head, I'm not sure where I will even start, but it will probably do me good to get them out on paper . . . or rather . . . computer screen. So for the two or three of you who have stuck with me and are still checking my blog, hoping I might actually have thought of something worth saying to entertain you, challenge you, encourage you, or just make you laugh, stay tuned! I'll start thinking of things to write! It'll be fun catching up, don't you think?

A Mother's Day Confession

Given to me by my Beloved, to remind me of His purpose in making me a mother.

My children take all that I give

Demanding more
Complaining
I give a little of myself
A little more but never all
Demand respect
For little

You gave Your all

Your only Son
Your very image
All in All
All You had

I take . . . I leave

I look elsewhere
Chasing idols . . . other things
Discontent with Your best . . .
With You . . .

My children forget my special days

Mine! I say
My worth . . . my value lessened
Diminished by their neglect
I cry--tears of self-pity

You give more . . . love more

Wooing, compelling, offering
Never demeaning or threatening
Through saddened heart
By my neglect
Your value, worth NEVER lessened
By the back of my head

In love, You gave me children

So often my heart's delight
My future hope
My life, my work, my purpose
Your gift to comfort me in love
Elevated to Your place

Yet using them, expose me

Reflecting You
Reflecting me
Pain in what I see
O Lord, the way I treat You!
More than the way that they treat me!

Let them resume their place

Forgive me! Consume me with You!

copyright 2009, Lisa A. Baker

Life According to Stephen: Chicks

As Stephen and I were driving home from the bank today we passed a sign at the feed store that said, "We have CHICKS!" Not wanting to miss an opportunity to razz Stephen, I said, "Hey, look! We could pull in there and get you a CHICK!" (Remember, girls are icky!)

Meanwhile, Stephen had seen the sign and started making chick noises, so he said, "They say cheep, cheep, cheep."

I answered, "No they are anything but cheap, cheap, cheap."

Stephen insisted, "They say cheep, cheep, cheep."

Thinking about it, I relented, "OK, maybe they do spend a lot of time calling you cheap, cheap, cheap."

Quickly Stephen got caught up in the joke and piped in, "Until they grow up. Then all they say is gobble, gobble, gobble!"

That Boy of Mine is Turning Nine!!!

Funny Andrew:

Nine! I know I must sound like a broken record when I say every year: How has this happened? Where did the year go?

What a year this was! Full of angst and hard work and progress. You're reading! Like a maniac, you're reading. It seemed to click overnight, although I know the truth--you were working hard. You still are, eager to burst into newer, longer, and better books. Meanwhile you read everything: street signs, captions on TV, my emails (well, you try). I have discovered in the last week that I can't even leave birthday gift receipts around, because . . . well, you read them! (Oops!) I'm eager to see you continue to progress and learn to love reading to yourself as much as the rest of us do. Just don't expect me to quit reading aloud to you! I love it too much.

You're so independent now. You do almost everything on your own . . . and some days I hate it. Right now you bug me like crazy to teach you to cook. You can make scrambled eggs and grilled cheese. So now we just have to cover a dinner and a dessert and you won't need me anymore! You love telling and retelling stories. Guess that's in your blood too (both your brothers and I are story-tellers!) You write all kinds of stories, from your own episode of Stargate to narration about the Revolutionary War. Obviously writing assignments are hardly necessary for you. You do it on your own!

At times I wish you would slow down a little. I wish you'd slow down so I could enjoy you. You run at mach 5, and I'm so old and tired I can hardly keep up with you. You are also competing all the time to keep up with brothers three and six years older than you, and it breaks my heart that you are rushing through all the little boy stuff that I enjoyed with them. It frustrates you to no end when I set limits like not letting you watch a show or movie that your brothers do, or not letting you take off in a store like they do. That's OK though. You'll be gone from me soon enough.

It's been a whole new experience to approach this birthday with you. First of all, you've had it marked on your calendar and have been counting the days for weeks! You've pretty much planned everything, from how you will spend your day tomorrow, to what you want to do over the weekend to celebrate, to what you want to eat. I think you already know what presents you are getting (probably because of the whole receipt thing, although I think you sneaked into my closet to peek too). All I've heard all day today is "I'm so excited! XX more hours!" Guess that's what I get for teaching you to tell time and use a calendar.

AJ, I love the boy you are becoming. Yes you drive me nuts. But I love your thoughtfulness, your willingness to apologize when you do something wrong, your willingness to still snuggle with your mommy. It's fun watching you grow into someone new, but I like it that you are still the same old Andrew in many ways too. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Happy Birthday sweet boy! I love you!
Mom

AJ's Take on Life:

AJ and his brothers have been watching Men in Black 1 & 2 at their dad's. I'm not so crazy about #2, but have tried not to make it an issue so as not to arouse more interest or to create a new and unnecessary war with dad. So out of the blue as I tried to skirt the conversation today AJ said (about #2):

"Yeah. You don't grab naked ladies. 'Cause if you do, they bite your head off."

So true.

999 Book List: The People of Sparks

Sometimes I do something so unlike myself that it leaves me a bit shocked. Completing this book in a little less than a week is one of those things. While not a difficult read, for me to keep enough momentum to actually finish a book, much less to finish it in the same month . . . or year . . . or decade, is unusual. I enjoyed People of Sparks, however I didn't think it was as good as The City of Ember (to which it is a sequel). It felt a bit more preachy to me--in other words the morals and lessons were kind of beat into my head, and because of that the ending seemed a little predictable. But I still liked the vivid descriptions, the meaningful imagery, the interesting characters, and even the plot of the story. I have decided to put futuristic, post-apocalyptic fiction on the back burner for a while. I'm starting to look over my shoulder a bit too much, and with O'Bama president and all . . . well, need I say more? So for now I'm going to tackle some of my more spiritually nourishing books. But not for long. I'm realizing how much I enjoy a good story! I like historical fiction and anything else with good characters and adventure and mystery. Any suggestions?

Life According to Stephen

"Mom, I need to learn how to cook so I don't have to get married when I get older."

Where the Boys Are

Ahh, in working with Jr. High girls, I remember this song of my youth . . . how embarrassing! How I wasted so much time then!

Now of course it means something totally different. I realized as I was looking over my blogging that I haven't mentioned the boys of late. Since supposedly this whole blog is mostly about living with boys, here is an update:

Josh: has been faithfully and dilligently working through his first year of school away from home--at private Christian school. The homework load has been much less than I expected. I have discovered in him a very anti-establishment attitude. He questions every rule, every reprimand, every math fact, every instruction . . . the boys wants to know WHY!!! The hormones are a-raging, and he is mad all the time no matter what I do. I of course don't dare acknowledge that I belong to him in public . . . on penalty of death, I think. However he is making great grades, is working exceptionally hard (both at our after-school job where he helps me clean, and at home when I ask him to do some chore), is communicating with words his constant frustrations and irritations, and assures me that he still loves me (although sometimes I have to remind him I'm a girl and that I need to hear him say it). He's a great kid, and someone I truly respect and admire, although I'm a little concerned about a "crisis of faith" that he's battling right now as he searches for his own identity.

Stephen: Still very much the happy-go-lucky boy, just in a rapidly growing and always eating body. Stephen never finishes his schoolwork, but always seems to know more than me. He is still very sensitive, but as the pre-teen hormones are starting to stir, I see it emerge more as anger now than as tears (although sometimes the two appear together). Stephen's highly creative streak bounces from one interest to another: at the beginning of the schoolyear he was hard into stop-motion animation and computers, and now is drawing and sketching everything. Stephen's biggest challenge this year has been working via Florida Virtual School, which violates his free, impulsive, unconstrained approach to work. Nevertheless, he also is proving he is capable of doing "classroom" work, and is showing signs of improvement both in his computer skills and his art (the two classes he is taking are 2D Art and Keyboarding). Stephen's heart is still very tender to the Lord, and to those in need around him.

Andrew: AJ has been full of surprises this year. He was having great difficulty reading at the beginning of the schoolyear, but has made leaps and bounds in the last couple of months. Suddenly words are popping out all over the place, and when they do AJ tries to read them! School efforts are moving along now at a nice clip, so much so that he and I have started reading and studying anything we can get our hands on about the Colonial and Revolutionary period of American history. It has been fun seeing what he is learning once again beginning to take over his imagination. Andrew's latest endeavors have been book-writing. He starts many, though rarely makes it to the finish. However he writes and draws all day, intermitten with fighting imaginary enemies (and a couple real brothers) outside whenever possible. I love Andrew's energy, as well as his delight in snuggling and being with me. Maybe I baby him a little, but I figure that's OK. He does NOT get away with everything!

Having essentially three different ages and stages has kept me awfully busy. I'm trying to balance youth group, scouting on two levels, friend get-togethers (not playdates anymore!), this school event and that one, etc. I spend much of my life in the car. Fortunately I have kept their outside committments few, and they usually share events (like the older two both do youth group, the younger two are both in homeschool support group together and have scouting back-to-back at the same location). And after much prayer and discussion with Josh, it looks like we will probably all be home again next year for school. (Not so sure if that's a light at the end of the tunnel, or just the headlight of a train!)

Just so I'm clear, if you've placed a call and asked me for something, or if you want to catch up over coffee . . . we can schedule something . . . in about ten years!!!!

999 List: The City of Ember & Fahrenheit 451

Wow! I just looked at my list and realized that I'm making my way through books quickly right now! The first book I finished this year was Whatever Happened to Penny Candy, and I was amazed at the information about economics that I didn't know. I'm not sure if it was helpful to educate me in this area--I'm more skeptical than ever about our government--but nevertheless, it whetted my appetite for more of these "Uncle Eric" books.

Then I continued on in one I was determined to finish--Fahrenheit 451. The story was unsettling--more so because it was written over 50 years ago, yet was almost prophetic in its vision of futuristic society and the media--but it was well-written and stimulated lots of thoughts in me about my need for good literature. In some ways I found it a little sad; I felt it relied too much on general knowledge (from all kinds of literature) instead of saving knowledge (from scripture) for hope for society. One of my close friends disagrees, so I'll probably continue to process it for a long time in the future.

Tonight I finished a book that I've only been reading about a week. The City of Ember has recently been made into a movie. One evening not long ago while the boys were finishing their cleaning jobs, I read the first chapter in one of the classrooms we clean, and was astonished at the quality of the writing. The story captivated me, so I reserved the book at the library and started it when it came in last week. What a great story!!! Two kids recently graduated from school (at 12!) begin to suspect that something is wrong in their isolated city, and begin to search for a way to help the citizens of their town to escape from their dark abode. This story is a thrilling mix of social commentary, heroism and villainy, mystery, and adventure. It's such a great book that Stephen curiously picked it up and has started reading it! It's also part of a series (of course!), so now I have to read the sequel, The People of Sparks. And eventually, of course, I'll watch the movie . . . which won't be as good since I read the book first!

Anyway, I'm quite impressed with myself, that I've finished THREE books in two months! Not to mention, I have started and made progress in a couple more! So on with the challenge! So many books, so little time!

FIYA

So there's this classroom I clean every day. I've decided that the kids in the class are future members of FIYA. For a while I found these unfolded paper clips everywhere. They reminded me of little shivs, like the homemade knives they make in prisons, only pint-sized. Now I'm finding the tops of pencils. Not the erasers, mind you, the points . . . perfectly cut off. I couldn't help but wonder what tool an elementary school kid is finding that can so perfectly and straightly decapitate a pencil. I know the teacher, and find it hard to believe that she is at all boring, so I'm pretty sure she just has a class of hardened 10-or-so-year-olds. And I'm sure that the membership of FIYA--Future Incarcerated Youths of America is soon going to increase.